The Values Conversation That Transforms Conflict

I’m squeezing my iPhone while walking up the stairs to my office. Taking deep breaths to keep my anger and frustration in check.

My boss at the time had  just asked me to follow a very specific process for a project I was leading—step by step, giving regular check-ins and detailed reports along the way. But this was MY project, and I was enjoying it and excited about it. And I was convinced his rigid process would kill what I loved about this project.

My immediate gut reaction was resistance. I wanted to say no, to push back, to explain why this approach wouldn't work.

But instead of reacting, I paused. "Why am I SO frustrated right now?" It was almost humorous to me that I would be acting like such a child about this situation.

So I loosen my grip on the phone. And instead of arguing about the process, I decided to dig in about what matters to him.

"Help me understand," I said. "What's the underlying thing you're trying to accomplish with this approach?"

He said he felt out of the loop and in the dark. Stability mattered to him. Connection mattered to him. So while I was passionately working on this project on my own, fears start to rise for him on where I’m headed, if he could be involved, how he’d like to help and support, and how he didn't want to feel cut out of the process.

This is all about values. 

While I deeply care about authenticity and personal freedom. He deeply cares about stability and connection.

He'd seen so many projects go sideways when people didn't have clear structure. He wasn't trying to control me—he was trying to ensure reliable outcomes for the team. He was trying to stay connected.

Once I understood that, everything changed.

"I see that you value consistency," I told him. "I can absolutely help you get that. What I need is freedom in how I get there. Can I suggest a path that gives you the visibility you need while letting me work in a way that energizes me?"

We spent the next twenty minutes designing an approach that honored both of our values. He got his consistent check-ins and reliable process. I got the creative freedom to solve problems my way within that framework.

It wasn't compromise—it was alignment.

Here's what I learned from that conversation: when you understand the values beneath someone's position, you can stop arguing and start connecting.

Imagine you’re at the MOMA, standing in front of a piece of art arguing with your friend about what you each see—you're both focused on different details, different colors. Insisting the other person look at your section. But when you understand the values beneath someone's position, something shifts. You stop trying to convince them to see what you see, and you start exploring the whole canvas together. Suddenly you're both on the same side, studying the complexity and appreciating how your different perspectives reveal more of the complete picture.

This shift can change how you handle conflict. It can help with your boss, colleague, a guest, or a family member.

Once you know your own values and get curious about others', something powerful happens in your daily work.

You stop feeling like things are just "being handed to you." Instead, you start looking for ways to express what you genuinely care about through the work you're already doing.

Let's say you value authenticity. Suddenly, every guest interaction becomes an opportunity to be genuinely while helping them also be genuine. That's not just following hospitality protocols—that's living out something you deeply care about.

Or maybe you value growth. Every challenging situation becomes a chance to learn something new, every difficult team member becomes an opportunity to practice a skill you're developing.

Your values become a filter for how you approach everything: "In the way I'm serving this person, how can I connect it to what I care deeply about?"

Most workplace conflicts aren't really about the surface issue. They're about underlying values that aren't being acknowledged or honored.

Someone seems "difficult"? Maybe they value respect and feel dismissed.
A team member resists change? Maybe they value security and need to understand how the change serves that.
A guest is being unreasonable? Maybe they value being heard and haven't felt truly listened to.

When you get to the underlying value, you can have a conversation about what's really going on instead of just arguing about symptoms.

You begin addressing the actual issue instead of dancing around it.

This week, try this approach:

When you feel frustrated or resistant: Pause and ask yourself, "What value of mine feels threatened or ignored right now?"

When someone else seems difficult: Get curious. "What might they be trying to protect or express? What could they value that I'm not seeing?"

In your daily work: Look for one way to connect a routine task to something you genuinely care about.

The goal isn't to psychoanalyze everyone or turn every conversation into a therapy session. It's to recognize that we're all operating from values, and when we can see and honor those values, we can work together much more effectively.

Your values aren't just nice concepts - they're the difference between constantly fighting upstream and finding the current that carries both you and others toward what you all actually want.

Take care,

Josh

P.S. Next week, I want to talk about purpose—how knowing your values and having a clear vision creates a feedback loop that helps you live more intentionally in everything you do.

P.P.S. You're receiving this because you subscribed to my content at Prosper Hotels. I've moved my writing to joshramsey.com, where I'll continue exploring leadership, hospitality, and what it means to create cultures where people thrive. If you'd prefer not to receive these emails, no worries at all - there's an unsubscribe link at the bottom. Otherwise, welcome to the new home!

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