I was reading Bird by Bird in bed one night. Anne Lamott was retelling a story from an Al-Anon meeting that she attended.
A woman was sharing how her husband would repeatedly get drunk and collapse on their front lawn, and how she'd dutifully drag him back inside each time.
After listening patiently, an older woman in the group leaned forward and said, "Honey, you should leave that man where the good Lord flung him."
That line has stuck with me for weeks.
Leave that man where the good Lord flung him.
It’s so easy to slide into patterns where we're simultaneously complaining about certain behaviors while unconsciously enabling them. Especially in hospitality.
The Three Forms of Connection
My therapist once explained this concept using letters:
Independence is like the letter "I" – standing completely alone.
Dependence (or codependence) is like the letter "A" – two lines leaning on each other where if one moves, the other falls.
Interdependence is like the letter "H" – connected but each standing firmly on their own.
This perfectly captures the challenge we face in hospitality.
We're in the business of taking care of others, but there's a delicate balance between support and enabling, between connection and codependence.
The Hospitality Trap
In this business, I’ve noticed how easy it is for leaders to fall into codependent patterns with their teams.
Someone might complain about a team member who couldn't handle a guest escalation independently, yet swoop in to solve the problem at the first sign of difficulty. Some may lament at how an owner didn't understand their operational constraints, yet say yes to their request.
We are often the person dragging their partner off the lawn.
The most insidious part? We often mistake these patterns for good service or leadership.
We tell ourselves we're "going above and beyond" or "taking one for the team," when in reality, we're creating unhealthy dynamics that prevent growth and real connection.
Finding the Sweet Spot
True hospitality leadership isn't about doing everything yourself or leaving others to fend entirely for themselves.
It's about finding that "H" – where both parties stand strong independently while remaining meaningfully connected.
What does this look like in practice?
With guests: Empathize with their needs while maintaining clear boundaries about what's possible.
With team members: Support their growth while allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their choices.
With ourselves: Acknowledge your own needs and limitations rather than sacrificing your wellbeing for approval.
This kind of interdependence creates teams that are resilient rather than fragile, relationships that are authentic rather than performed.
A Simple Practice to Try
This week, I invite you to notice where your relationships might be shaped like an "A" rather than an "H":
Identify a relationship that leaves you feeling drained.
Ask yourself: "Am I enabling behaviors I claim to dislike?"
Consider: "What would it look like to remain connected while standing firmly in my own values?"
Take one small action to shift from dependence toward interdependence.
Sometimes, the most caring thing we can do – for others and ourselves – is to let them be where "the good Lord flung them" while offering our presence rather than our rescue.
What About You?
I'm curious about your experiences with dependence and interdependence in your leadership journey:
Where have you noticed yourself enabling behaviors you say you don't want?
What's one relationship you could shift from an "A" to an "H" this week?
How might your team benefit if you practiced more interdependence?
Reply and let me know your thoughts. I'd love to hear your perspective.
Take care,
Josh