How often do we hear guests say they're just 'fine' or 'okay' when we know there's more to their story?
Have you ever noticed how many of us describe our feelings with a limited set of words—happy, sad, angry, or fine?
In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown shares a story about a group of veterans struggling with reintegration into civilian life. Many of them described their emotions in simplistic terms, often defaulting to “I’m just pissed off” or “I’m fine.” – sound familiar?
She found that as she helped the veterans expand their emotional vocabulary—learning to distinguish between frustration, grief, disappointment, resentment, or anxiety—they were able to articulate what they were actually experiencing. This began to help them feel seen and understood, rather than isolated in their struggles.
The Power of Understanding
When I first started managing people, I thought being a good leader meant having all the answers. But over time, I've learned that true leadership – especially in hospitality – is about understanding the questions beneath the questions, the feelings beneath the words.
Think about your last difficult guest interaction. Maybe someone was "frustrated" about their room not being ready. But what if they were actually feeling:
Betrayed because they trusted us with their special occasion?
Disrespected because they felt their time wasn't valued?
Embarrassed because they had to explain the delay to their family?
Each of these emotions tells a different story and requires a different response from us as leaders.
Learning a New Language
Recently, I've been introducing our teams to something called the Feeling Wheel. Picture it like the “Wheel of Fortune”, but instead of prizes, it maps out a whole spectrum of different emotions.
At the center of the wheel, you have basic feelings like "bad" or "sad." But as you move outward, you discover more specific emotions – "frustrated," "betrayed," "disrespected," "embarrassed."
This isn't just an academic exercise. It can be a practical tool that helps us:
Understand what our guests are really experiencing
Support our team members more effectively
Process our own reactions to challenging situations
The Real Work of Hospitality
When we expand our emotional vocabulary, we expand our capacity to serve. It's like upgrading from a basic tool kit to a master craftsman's collection – suddenly, we have the right tool for every situation.
But there's something even more powerful. When we take the time to truly understand what others are feeling, we create space for real connection.
And isn't that what hospitality is really about?
A Practice to Try
Next time you're facing a difficult situation – whether with a guest or team member – pause before reacting.
Ask yourself:
What might they be feeling beyond the obvious emotion?
What words could help me understand their experience better?
How might this understanding change my response?
This simple practice can transform some of your most challenging guest interactions into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
What About You?
I'm curious – what emotions do you find yourself defaulting to most often? What might be underneath those default responses?
Reply and let me know. I'd love to hear your perspective.
Take care,
Josh