Last week, I found myself staring at a blank performance review form, feeling that familiar resistance rise up.
Why is giving feedback so uncomfortable?
After reflecting on this question for years, I've come to a realization that transformed my approach to leadership: my opinion about this person isn't actually what matters.
Let me explain.
Beyond Opinion to Reflection
Traditional feedback often sounds like this: "Here's what I think about you. Here's what you're doing well and not so well, according to me."
But who am I to claim such authority? My perspective is inevitably limited, shaped by my own experiences, biases, and blind spots – just like everyone else's.
What if, instead, my role as a leader is to be a mirror?
A mirror doesn't judge; it simply reflects. It shows you what you might not be able to see on your own. It provides perspective, not evaluation.
Learning to Reflect
This shift from evaluator to mirror changed everything about how I approach leadership. When I sit down with someone now, I try to focus on:
Reflecting what I observe: "Here's what I noticed in that meeting. You asked questions that got everyone on the team in an active conversation."
Reflecting impact: "When you followed up with that guest, I can see how their perspective has changed. They specifically mentioned feeling truly heard."
Inviting self-reflection: "How do you feel you're growing in your role? What aspects of your work energize you most?"
I learned this approach partly through my own journey. My mentors don’t tell me the answer to my problems. Instead, they usually simply ask thoughtful questions that help me see my own behavior more clearly. The insight then comes from within – and it sticks in a way external “feedback” never does.
The Space Between
This mirrors the concept of the "space between" that I've mentioned before.
Being a reflective leader means finding the optimal distance – close enough to observe clearly, but not so close that you're imposing your perspective.
Your Turn
Next time you're preparing feedback for someone on your team, try shifting your mindset:
Instead of "How can I help them improve?" try "How can I help them see themselves more clearly?"
Instead of "What's my opinion of their performance?" try "What have I observed about their impact?"
Instead of focusing on fixing, focus on reflecting.
The beauty of this approach is that it honors each person's autonomy and wisdom. It creates the conditions for growth without attempting to control it.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this approach. Have you ever had someone serve as a mirror for you in a way that led to meaningful growth? Reply and share your experience.
Take care,
Josh