A few years ago, my best friend David, an ER Doctor, reached a breaking point. Burned out from the work, he quit his job, sold his house and moved to a farmhouse in Floyd, Virginia, with no clear plan. Just a deep need to reconnect with himself.
His story is a powerful reminder of a fundamental truth in hospitality and in life: Before we can truly care for others, we must first care for ourselves. It's not just about self-care, but about self-understanding.
Aristotle says, "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." And to take it a step further, the Hebrew wisdom to "love your neighbor as yourself" reveals a powerful insight: genuine care for others starts with care for yourself.
For me, this self-knowledge comes down to three critical questions:
- Who are you?
- What do you want?
- What do you value?
These questions have no final answers. They keep you seeking. They can be roots that ground us and give us strength to serve others.
Who are you?
I've been thinking about a question that keeps coming up in my conversations with hospitality leaders:
*Who are you when you strip away your title?*It reminds me of this ancient koan that asks, "What was your face like before you were born?" It's asking about who you are at your core, beyond being a manager, leader, or hospitality professional.
This hits close to home in our industry. We're natural servants, drawn to taking care of others. But sometimes, this beautiful instinct can lead us down a path where we lose ourselves.
What do you want?
This brings me to a fascinating insight from philosopher Harry Frankfurt: "We've lost the ability to want what we want to want." In other words, we're often just copying what others want instead of understanding our own true desires.
I've been experimenting with this lately. Sometimes I'll fast from different things – sugar, technology, anything that might create false signals of desire. It's remarkable how these "wants" become less compelling once you step away from them.
Morgan Housel, author of The Psychology of Money, once wrote to his son:
When you see someone driving a nice car, you probably don't think, "Wow, that person is cool." Instead, you think, "Wow, if I had that car people would think I'm cool." Do you see the irony? No one cares about the guy in the car. Have fun; buy some nice stuff. But realize that what people are really after is respect, and humility will ultimately gain you more of it than vanity.*Let me share a personal example. I just turned 40, and my son Jack just turned 13. As I thought about him growing up, I heard this voice in my head say, "you've always wanted to run 100 miles." Without overthinking it, I signed up for an ultra-marathon. Why? Because I want my son to know that we can do hard things. That's a desire aligned with my values.
What do you value?
I've learned that when I make decisions aligned with my core values, my sense of self grows stronger. My roots grow deeper. Think of it like the difference between a candle slowly dripping away versus a furnace that's constantly fed. When your choices align with your values, you're adding fuel to the fire that keeps others warm.
Our values influence what we think, say, and do. But many of us have never taken the time to sit down and actually define what we claim to value. We go through lives on auto pilot and spin the roulette wheel whenever we face a decision.
Your capacity to care for others grows from this place of self-understanding. It's not about being selfish – it's about being self-aware enough to serve from a place of fullness rather than depletion.
David's journey reminds me that stepping back isn't weakness—it's wisdom. He’s always been there for me during my most challenging moments offering genuine presence and care.
In Antifragile, Nassim Taleb distinguishes between a candle and a fire. A candle flickers and dies easily, consuming itself. A fire grows stronger. David chose to feed his fire.
What about you?
What do you think is getting in the way of you serving others with genuine presence and care?
Reply and let me know.
Take care,
-Josh